Cell Phones At The Ballpark

If you watch baseball on television for any length of time you are bound to see one of my new favorite pet peeves.  It's the guy on the cell phone waving incessantly at the television camera.  This nation's obsession with cell phones was annoying enough when limited to those who could not talk and drive properly at the same time.  When their inability to multi-task was coupled with their blatant lack of courtesy, displayed in grocery stores, restaurants, post offices and even the zoo, I attempted to be understanding.  However, now their lack of respect has invaded our national pastime and my home via the airwaves.  It must be stopped.

Like many major crimes, these poor cell phone criminals commit their crime on three different levels.  First degree criminal stadium cell phone behavior is fairly basic.  It's the type of stuff you run into at all public places.  It's someone sitting in a seat within a earshot of you who feels the need to discuss their child's soccer team, the color paint they are considering for their bathroom walls or the time they are going to meet at the local gentleman's club.  I'm not sure why, but apparently none of these calls can wait, so it must be discussed immediately from their seat at the ballpark.  

This action is mostly rude.  It doesn't annoy thousands or even hundreds.  It just boggles the minds of those in the immediate area.  If you must make this vital phone call, make it from the nearest concourse.  Is that really asking too much? 

Second degree criminal stadium cell phone behavior is more premeditated.  It's the person who sits at just the right camera angle so that he/she is in every close-up shot of the batter.  (It's the view we see when they display the batter's stats on the screen.)  It can also be the people sitting right behind home plate.  Both are broadcast worldwide every few minutes.  These individuals take the crime to it's next level by talking on their cell while waving at the camera.  This action can often last most of the game. 

Presumably, the person I can see is waving at whomever they are talking to on the phone.  Now, in my more open minded moments, I think they are waving at their grandmother halfway across the country or their cousin Joe in Spain.  However, we know better, don't we?  The odds are the person they are waving at is their neighbor, co-worker, drinking buddy or someone within their own household.  Basically, it's someone they see on a regular basis.  Someone  who probably even knows they are at the game.  Yet, they wave.  And talk.  And wave, again. 

I worry for these people. However, there is one group that needs immediate attention.  These are the ones who commit first degree criminal stadium cell phone behavior.  They are the folks who aren't sitting in a convenient location for the television cameras to capture their action.  Unable to get appropriate television time, these abusers rush down the aisle right behind homeplate, cell phone already in action, waving like crazy.  They are waving quickly, of course, because the ushers are going to move them shortly. 

I see them and generally think "Go away.  Go away now."  These people are in desperate in need of one of two things.  First, a designated driver.  Second, therapy.  I worry for people whose lives are so out of kilter that they view this practice as necessary.    Sure, it's still possible that cousin Joe in Barcelona is waving back at them, but I'll bet the roaming charges alone stop that call from ever happening.

As their are different levels of the crime, I suggest different levels of punishment.  Ater a kind, preliminary request from the usher to make their calls from the concourse, third degree offenders would be given the choice of leaving the game or having their cell dropped into a vat of warm nacho cheese.

Second degree criminals would get an initial warning as well.  Further abuses would be met with  the choice of being escorted from the game or be force fed hotdogs while having giant foam fingers duct taped to their hands.  Either penalty would include a month long suspension from the ballpark.

The first degree criminals get no such warning.  They would receive all the previous penalties, plus a year long suspension from the park or bathroom detail for the remainder of the season as a public service.

I tolerate, with mild disgust, the poor driving by cell phone users.  I patiently drive my shopping cart around those who have stopped in the middle of the aisle to talk on their cell phone about the neighbor's flower bed.  I wait in line for the person on the cell phone to stop their conversation long enough to write their check to the cashier.  However, interfere with the national pastime or my television viewing and you cross the line.  Stop the madness immediately or be willing to face the consequences.