Racing To Oblivion

Society seems to love a race. We run in races. Everything from a one hundred meter dash to a marathon. We skate and ski to see who will finish first. We bet races. The dog and ponies get wagered on each day. Mankind puts his transportation into action as well. We race all forms of bicycles, motorcycles, snowmobiles, boats and cars. Yet, I was still amazed at what I witnessed Sunday.

While flipping through television stations, I stumbled across a form of racing I didn't know existed. Lawn mower racing. Yes, that's right. Lawn mowers. No, no. Not the push kind. The riding variety. A rather large group of individuals were zipping around the course, complete with safety helmets, on lawn mowers to see who would win.

At first, I was just plain stupefied at the thought this idea had grown beyond a contest between drunken neighbors. It was an actual event. These guys were racing riding lawn mowers on a designed course. The longer I watched, and it wasn't for more than about five minutes, the more a second thought occurred to me.

What on Earth was this doing on television? Sure, go ahead. Race lawn mowers, if you want. You and your buddies want to crack a keg and tool around to see who wins, I'm all for it. But whose bright idea was it to put it on tv?

I'll admit, it probably got better ratings than the NHL, but just how desperate are we for programming? I realize it's Sunday afternoon and nothing is going to come close to NFL ratings, but I can't see under any circumstance broadcasting lawn mower racing. (Ok, the drunk thing might be one condition.) If we needed anymore proof that ESPN had "jumped the shark", this was it.

Then, I got scared. What if this is a pro league? What if this is only one stop on their season long tour? What if the drivers have endorsement deals with Toro, Briggs and Stratton and John Deere? There's got to be prize money, right? How much? If it's more than 50% of us earn in a year, I may lose it. That's when I changed the channel.

Afterwards, I was pondering what else could this lead to? If ESPN, albeit ESPN2, is willing to give up airtime to lawn mowers, why not edgers? How about the all-time classic battle between drop and broadcast spreaders? That would make for one heck of a race. Hey, if lawn mowers got on cable tv, wheelbarrel racing, a long standing American tradition, should be on network television.

If I recall correctly, Rome fell, in part, due to it's obsession with games. When we find lawn mower racing on television we should all start to worry about our nation's future.